I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
