I think my fart just growled at me.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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