Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
