I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
