I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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