i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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