i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
