I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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