Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
