First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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