I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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