I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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