So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
