It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
