its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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