just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
