I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
