What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
