Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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