i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
