this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
