why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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