two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
