my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
