Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
