I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
