the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
