if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
They have beer where we have blood.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
