Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
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