The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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