Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
