I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
