I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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