Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
