I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
