I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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