i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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