i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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