you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
there was a trapeze. enough said
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
