Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
