Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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