Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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