my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
