My sheets look like a crime scene.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
