My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
