two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I will pee on everything he values.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
