was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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