Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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