dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He passed out mid-signature
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
