let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
