ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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