turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
