what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
