i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
