Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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