im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Randomize
