I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
