Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
