True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The air was thick with penises
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
